19. AND CHECK THIS OUT. THE BASTARD EVEN PEDDLES FOR YOU....

Given that at least in part this Blog documents my movement towards buying a new bike largely on the grounds that my current one has been overtaken by technological advances (overtaken and then lapped.....and then lapped again....but this time with attendant rude and belittling jokes) what I am about to say may, I am prepared to admit, come off as slightly hypocritical.

I was reading an article today in one of this country’s leading Mountain Bike magazines, that was discussing some of the technological advances we can expect, or are already seeing applied, to the bikes presented to us for purchase by the Industry. All very appropriate. It is, I would say, the job of such a magazine to keep me appraised of exactly this kind of stuff. But then it started to talk about some things that gave me pause.

Electronic gear shifting. Hydrostatic suspension control. On the fly tyre pressure control. Remote controlled nanotech seat integral buttock massagers.....ok, I’m not certain that last one was in there. All being spoken about as if it was an entirely positive thing. I guess I can kind of understand it from a ‘gee whiz, isn’t that shiny’ kind of thing but seriously, how far do you take it.

Don’t get me wrong. I ski (and would ski a lot more were it even remotely responsible from a budgetary point of view) and the idea of walking up the hill with my skis so I can ski down it again is frankly insane. Chairlifts – top idea. And like I said – I’m totally down for better forks, bars, brakes and the idea of gears that don’t decide to change themselves just as I’m heading up a really big fuck off hill is just peachy.

But assuming you’re not cycling purely as a form of cheap transport - and let’s face it, anyone owning a bike with this kind of stupidly expensive, cutting edge stuff on it, is hardly going to be locking it up outside the train station while they zip off to the office for the day - then isn’t a large part of the ‘thing’ here to take a fairly basic tool then apply your own talent to it to do things you would not otherwise be able to do.

I’m not saying it’s not tricky. But take Downhill bikes as an example. Make them really strong to take the hits. Give them bullet proof suspension to soak up the bumps. Better wear a whole lot of motocross gear for when you hit that bump a little too hard and end up on your arse though. Of course now they’re so heavy you have to stick ‘em in a car or on a chairlift to get up the hill again (don’t laugh – it’s pretty well accepted in the biking community).

Or.

Just get a motorbike. Ride up the hill. Go just as fast down it. Probably won’t cost all that more either.

Just doesn’t feel entirely. Right.

NEXT: Blarrrgh.