13.5. IN WHICH I GO TO THE EASTER SHOW....

Ok. See the little box to the right there where it says ‘Statement of Intent’. Read down a bit and there’s some dots and another bit and then I say – ‘and some other stuff’. There will be no riding of bikes in this post and I will not be referring in any way to 36t cranksets or the comparative benefits of long v short cage derailleur’s. Um. From now on.

On Saturday, we went to the Easter Show. For those of you who don’t live in Australia, The Sydney Royal Easter Show has been happening in Sydney since 1823 and was in the beginning at least, an opportunity for those who lived in the country to show those who lived in the city all the excellent stuff that made them want to keep living in the country.

It’s big, it’s shiny, it’s loud, it has show bags and it has animal pooh.

The climax of a day at the Show when I was a kid, was to grab a handful of whatever fried thing-on-a-stick was handily available and get an early spot in the Main Arena for the night time show. We then watched that show, which generally consisted of stunts on motorbikes, followed by stunts in cars, stunts on animals, sometimes stunts with axes and then a shitload of fireworks, while grazing on the contents of the dozen or so Show Bags we had amassed during the day. It was simple. It was brilliant.

So it was my intention to do the same thing on Saturday night right? Well.

As mentioned – I was looking for cars, bikes, fireworks, animals, fireworks, possibly some axes and more fireworks. What we got, was Darcy’s Quest. An hour long all (veeeeeerrrrrry slowly) dancing no singing ‘environmental’ fable starring not one but two giant puppets unconvincingly manipulated by cranes and a mass of desperately scurrying human beings.

I put the word environmental in quotes above NOT because I do not believe in environmental responsibility but because I question the wisdom of opening your ‘environmental’ fable with 15 minutes of Monster Trucks and motorcycles going round and round the arena in a fashion that was clearly meant to make the punters think ‘WOW THAT’S COOL!!’ (and if you want to have the Mad Max Arena Spectacular just bloody call it ‘The Mad Max Arena Spectacular’).

15 minutes of that - and a total of 9 motorbike jumps awkwardly shoehorned into the narrative as a means of choosing the ‘Navigator’ to help Darcy on her quest to.....um....do some f**king thing or other – and the giant puppet Darcy lumbered its way into the arena over the course of what seemed like about 3 hours (but according to my lying bastard of a watch was 10 minutes).

‘Christ I hope that things not going to do a full lap’ I whispered quietly to my wife.

A full lap later, plus two (GUARDIANNNNS OF THE WAAAASTELANDS) guys with some electrical doo-dads and some fire dancers.....bloody fire dancers, and just as I’m thinking I won’t have to fake a heart attack to get the hell out of here it’s giant horse puppet time.

Gaargh.

At least the giant horse puppet was attached to a crane too large to move around the arena so it could only move within the radius of the cranes (very long) arm. Whinnying through the P.A. every 20 seconds it lumbered slowly to its re-union with Darcy.

Universes formed and were extinguished.

Have you met my daughter? She is quite possibly the MOST ENTHUSIASTIC PERSON ON EARTH. About just about everything. Even she was bored.

Finally. Fireworks. Proper fireworks.

Deep breath.

I know ‘narratives’ are all very fashionable these days but PLEASE Mr Easter Show organiser man – Cars. Bikes. Animals. Axes. Fireworks. Please.

NEXT: Our normal service returns....